Friday, January 8, 2010
Carlisle Comments Improving on the past
I’m not one much for New Year’s resolutions. The problem is that I know I won’t resolve to do something particularly difficult, and no matter how easy, I’ll likely not do anything that lasts beyond January, anyhow. But maybe it’s time for a change. After all, I’m not getting any younger, and having given up the working life, I now have plenty of time to focus on the personal improvements that my friends have been patiently waiting for since three-quarters of the way through the 20th century.
So in the spirit of renewal, in 2010 I resolve to do the following:
• Not scream at the radio or TV every time the president acts like a moderate – exactly what he promised to do.
• Never have a reason to use the phrase “wide stance” or “walking the Appalachian Trail.”
• Refuse balloon rides offered by former reality show contestants.
• Quickly adopt the latest electronic communications gizmo – or at least learn how to tweet, text or set up a Facebook page.
• Stop using words like gizmo.
• Vote for Martha Coakley, even though that vote may be misconstrued as sexist, reverse sexist or contra-reverse sexist.
• Not accept a year-end cash bonus exceeding six figures, but instead insist on stock options of equal value.
• Remember to have a good cover story when my wife and I crash the 2010 State of the Union address.
• Stop talking like Bela Lugosi’s version of Dracula every time someone brings up the topic of vampires.
• Donate my annual breast exam to a woman in her 40s.
• Do my part to combat global warming by putting “Extinct is Forever!” bumper stickers on all our cars.
• Only shout “You lie” when someone is actually lying.
• Remember to remove my money from mutual funds that have continued to produce 12-14% annual gains the last three years, and guarantee similar returns for the remainder of the decade.
• Figure out why people actually think Glenn Beck makes sense, and then sell the answer on eBay.
• Purchase a Senate seat from a governor with a proven record of covering his tracks.
• Not give my wife a reason to chase me down the driveway wielding a golf club.
• Hide my golf clubs, just in case.
• Not further stress the healthcare system by getting my 2010 annual physical on WebMD.
• Immediately deplane when I spot a syringe-wielding Nigerian in the seat next to me.
• And finally, stop making lists. ∆
© 2010 The Carlisle Mosquito