The Carlisle Mosquito Online

Friday, January 8, 2010


Carlisle Comments Improving on the past

I’m not one much for New Year’s resolutions. The problem is that I know I won’t resolve to do something particularly difficult, and no matter how easy, I’ll likely not do anything that lasts beyond January, anyhow. But maybe it’s time for a change. After all, I’m not getting any younger, and having given up the working life, I now have plenty of time to focus on the personal improvements that my friends have been patiently waiting for since three-quarters of the way through the 20th century.

So in the spirit of renewal, in 2010 I resolve to do the following:

• Not scream at the radio or TV every time the president acts like a moderate – exactly what he promised to do.

• Never have a reason to use the phrase “wide stance” or “walking the Appalachian Trail.”

• Refuse balloon rides offered by former reality show contestants.

• Quickly adopt the latest electronic communications gizmo – or at least learn how to tweet, text or set up a Facebook page.

• Stop using words like gizmo.

• Vote for Martha Coakley, even though that vote may be misconstrued as sexist, reverse sexist or contra-reverse sexist.

• Not accept a year-end cash bonus exceeding six figures, but instead insist on stock options of equal value.

• Remember to have a good cover story when my wife and I crash the 2010 State of the Union address.

• Stop talking like Bela Lugosi’s version of Dracula every time someone brings up the topic of vampires.

• Donate my annual breast exam to a woman in her 40s.

• Do my part to combat global warming by putting “Extinct is Forever!” bumper stickers on all our cars.

• Only shout “You lie” when someone is actually lying.

• Remember to remove my money from mutual funds that have continued to produce 12-14% annual gains the last three years, and guarantee similar returns for the remainder of the decade.

• Figure out why people actually think Glenn Beck makes sense, and then sell the answer on eBay.

• Purchase a Senate seat from a governor with a proven record of covering his tracks.

• Not give my wife a reason to chase me down the driveway wielding a golf club.

• Hide my golf clubs, just in case.

• Not further stress the healthcare system by getting my 2010 annual physical on WebMD.

• Immediately deplane when I spot a syringe-wielding Nigerian in the seat next to me.

• And finally, stop making lists. ∆

© 2010 The Carlisle Mosquito